Caribbean Snow

This married woman goes alone on a vacation trip in the Caribbean Islands. Once there: fun, swimming, beach, black lover, all muscles, hot body. After two weeks, on their last evening together, the woman asks him: "Say, why don't you wanna tell me your name? After all, we've known each other for two weeks now, and you still dont want to tell me your name. Why is that?" "Because you will laugh at me if I tell you!" She promises she won't laugh, and he tells her "My name is Snow", so she starts laughing her heart out. "See, I told you you're gonna laugh at my name!" "No, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing when imagining what my husband will look when I'll tell him that on my every day here I had 12 inches of snow!"

Every time I clap my hands

Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice...
"Just for a moment, think outside yourself... Outside this arena... Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A loud Irish voice from near the front pierces the moment...
"Well, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin' clappin', then!"

The smallest horse

F**k

The new chief samurai warrior

An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior.
Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opening a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and, Swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.
The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his sword. Swish!Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
The jewish samurai stepped forward, released the fly, and drew his sword. SWOOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let out a high-pitched sound, but comtinued to fly around.
"What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor. "The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision.... that takes skill!"

When it seems that all your ships have sunk

When it seems that all your ships have sunk
When the future seems bleak and hopeless
When it seems the best of your life is behind you
When it seems that faith has pulled a cosmic joke on you
When Life seems to have delt you the final blow
When you see no more reason to go on
Then you need to gather one more breath from inside your chest!
Make an effort! Rise to your feet!
Stare life right in the eyes and proudly say:
'Now I'm really fucked!'

Lords of the Logistics

Lords of the Logistics 2

Simple financial package

A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial package.

The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set of generalized graphics routines, an artificial intelligence interface, but not the slightest mention of anything financial.

When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put in the financial stuff eventually."

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only if the lightbulb really wants to change.

All sheep are black

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a black sheep in it. The physicist says all sheep are black. The engineer says that one sheep is black. The mathematician says that there exists a sheep which has at least one side that is black.

A lawyer, a physicist and an economist are locked up together in a prison cell

A lawyer, a physicist and an economist are locked up together in a prison cell. Once a day a warden throws a can of meat through the bars - without a can opener! The lawyer says: "I'm sick of this, I'll sue the prison for inhumanity!". The physicist says: "No, let me calculate the ideal force and angle at which to throw the can against the wall, so it will crack open!"... upon which the economist says: "No, I got it, let's just assume the can is open - and we'll all have enough to eat!"

All odd numbers greater than 2 are prime

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are sitting around and one of them says "It says here that Professor X has come up with a new theorem that all odd numbers greater than 2 are prime". Each person present thinks to himself:

* MATHEMATICIAN: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not-prime. Theorem disproved!
* MATHEMATICIAN (alternate): 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, the rest follows by Mathematical induction.
* PHYSICIST: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not-prime - oops, experimental error!
* ENGINEER: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is approximately prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime ...
* MECHANICAL ENGINEER: 3 is prime, 4 is prime, 5 is prime, 6 is prime ...
* COMPUTER ENGINEER: 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime ...

Call home

Queen Elizabeth II, George W Bush & Traian Basescu died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth II said "I miss Britain, I want to call Britain and see how everybody is doing there.
She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then her Majesty asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you?" The devil replied "Five million dollars". She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back to her sit.
George Bush was so jealous, he began screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too". He called and talked for about 10 minutes, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Ten million dollars". With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
Traian Basescu was even more jealous & started screaming: "I want to call Romania, I want to see how everybody is doing there. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody". He called Romania and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "One dollar". Basescu is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local"

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, " ...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly "

I think the man would have said: "FUCK ME - A TALKING PIG!!"

An old mafia Don is dying

An old mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to the bed. "You lissin-a me - I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your rolex watch instead?" "Shuddup and lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifulla wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a coulple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find your beautifula wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say: 'Time's up?"

Group therapy session with four young mothers

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions", he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go..."

What's your SPQ?

Episode Three of "Rick Reynolds Gets Happy"

What do all men who sit alone in a bar have in common

Q: What do all men who sit alone in a bar have in common?
A: They are all married.

Some interesting definitions

Smile :- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Rumor :- News that travels at the speed of sound.
Dictionary:- The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College :- A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Ecstasy :- A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Office :- A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.
Yawn :- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. :- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee :- Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Classic :- A book which people praise, but do not read.
Marriage :- It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master's.
Worry :- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Experience:- The name men give to their mistakes.
Tears :- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Philosopher:-A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat :- A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Optimist :- A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father :- A banker provided by nature.
Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Boss :- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor :- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant
shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird and it's an absolute
steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as
a result its language is a touch fruity"

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm
broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So
saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at
the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying
not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new
prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain
the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their
new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes,
but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

You have not worked here for even one day

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it.
So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.
The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying:
- My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours ?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.

After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty

An elderly married couple scheduled their medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner.
After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man,
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."
The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man.
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old nut", she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

The test

One night four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.
They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The dean was a just person so he said that you can have the retest after 3 days. They said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared before the dean. The dean said that this was a special condition test. All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 2 questions with total of 100 marks.
Question 1. Write down your names -----( 2 marks )
Question 2. Which tyre burst? -------( 98 marks )

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed...

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: - "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: - "Definitely not!"
WIFE: - "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: - "Of course I do."
WIFE: - "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: - "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: - "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: - (makes audible groan)
WIFE: - "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: - "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: - "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: - "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: - "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: - "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: - "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: - "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: - "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: - "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: - "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: - "No, she's left-handed."